My much older lover continues to reach, then pushes me away | Life and style

The dilemma Six months ago I met a man I worked with when I was young and was middle -aged. Now I’m middle -aged and he is old. Us has established an incredible sexual and romantic connection. It was so powerful and beautiful. He told me I made him feel so free, so accepted and loved. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me, that they belonged to us. Incidentally, most of my previous relationships have been with men who are much bigger than me, but it is not the problem.

My older gentleman approaches incredibly, he is loving, kind and open, then a few days later, I receive a call from him saying that he cannot face the age difference, he is in conflict for his feelings AND He wants to be alone. He tells me to meet someone of my age, but when I try to go on, he returns to contact. Over time, it will connect with me intensely in person, just to refuse me by text or telephone.

Again in person, we make love, cries and tells me that he is sorry and that he loves me. I feel that this is his authentic self, but I came to fear what will come later.

I started keeping a register of How many times has happened. In the last six months, we spent 20 days/incredible nights together, but it has pushed me away eight times. This is embarrassing to admit. I can’t leave because I love him very much and I can see the person inside him who is crying to be loved.

I just wish my gentleman could be happy with me and we could enjoy some time together, since life is short and I want to enjoy and share my love with someone special. The differences in age do not disturb me at all.

Philippa’s answer Words of love, they are fantastic, huh? But without behavior to follow them they are insignificant. They are simply the words of seduction. When I look at the documentaries of the catfish on Netflix, words of immortal love and “we should be together” they always seem to be part of a trap in which the victim falls. It is important to note that his words, even if at the time, do not exceed his actions. Love does not concern what we say, it is how we present ourselves or not, in someone’s life.

I love your tendencies similar to spreadsheets in registering your relationship, I think you have quite good information about what your biggest gentleman really feels. Incidentally, the way you refer to him as “my oldest gentleman” I find a little strange, as if I could object it in some way. You don’t see it as it is, but how do you want to see it?

If I had had a charitable one, I could guess that when you move away, it could be his way of managing the feelings that overwhelm him, not necessarily an attempt to refuse you. Maybe can’t face the vulnerability that derives from love? His waste is never face to face, so it could be that in those moments he has a relationship with what he represents for him, rather than with you in person.

I wonder if you would consider the possibility of sharing the results of your spreadsheets with him as part of an open conversation? You could use it to help him understand how his behavior feels from your perspective and how it strikes you. It could even open the door to reflect on its patterns.

You are starting to recognize that if you cannot engage in something healthier, you may have to move away. This does not mean that you don’t love it; It means that you love you enough to give priority to your emotional health. The ups and downs of this relationship may seem familiar, even comfortable, because of the reasons for your past, but this does not make them less harmful. I have already said it before and, until everyone is outside the message there, I will have to repeat myself again: when we continue to fall in love with emotionally unavailable people, often it is because we are trying to heal a childhood wound to have an emotionally unavailable or even unavailable parent. Look at your childhood to see how it affects your present and therefore use your head to prevent your instincts from choosing unsuitable partners. You say that age is not a problem, it may not be, but I suspect that what is colloquially known as “dad problems” could be. I think psychotherapy invites (Psychotherapy.org.uk).

I suspect that his “authentic” how you see it, is simply what you want that his authentic self was, but his authenticity is as he always behaves, not only when he acts lovingly. And when you see “the person within those who are crying to be loved”, it is probably exactly what you want to see. Love is really blind, I’m afraid.

Dirigi your energy to the activities, people and experiences that nourish you and make you feel strong and constant.

Every week Philippa Perry faces a personal problem sent by a reader.
If you want advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Presentations are subject to ours Terms and conditions