You were close – But are you now a “marginal friend”? | Well actually

We hide behind a dining table, waiting for the birthday girl to arrive.

The door will open. “Surprise!” We shout.

When her shock fades, my friend screams: “I thought the party was tomorrow!”

My heart sinks as I realize that I planned his separate party – and he had not invited me.

After a decade of knowing her, I had become his marginal friend-A non-essential friend, the person who is “always welcome but never invited“, As other marginal friends say online.

I shouldn’t have been so surprised. We had collapsed after living in different cities and our conversations felt embarrassing and forced lately. But I still considered it one of my closest friends, so it point out to me when I understood that I no longer gave priority to our relationship as I did.

Being a marginal friend is a universal experience, according to friendship experts. A study by university students found that most people think Their friendships are mutualBut only about half of them are actually. Likewise, people crave quality compared to quantity. The surveys of the American Friendship Project found that over 75% of adults were satisfied with the number of friends they had, but over 40% felt they were not as close to them as they would like.

Dr. Miriam Krmayer, clinical psychologist and friendship expert, says that negative thought models are common when you are a marginal friend: did I do something wrong? Are they worthy of friendship?

“It is important to normalize and validate those feelings,” says Kermayer. “But on the other hand, I find that many of them derive from wrong ideas that we have on what is necessary to feel connected.”

In other words, there may be some advantages to be a marginal friend.

The research shows that the company helps us to feel more satisfied with life and protects us from Mental and physical health problemsas depression, anxiety and heart disease.

At the same time, social relations impose rules and expectations that may have the opposite effect, says Krmayer. For example, you may think you have to attend each group group or risk not getting another invitation. Or you could accept all the uncomfortable requests of your friend so that they know you shoulders.

But these “should, must, must and have” are not always accurate, says Kermayer. Instead, “they increase pressure and feelings of guilt or shame when we feel as if we were not measuring or behaving in the way it is expected”.

Indicates the first advantage of being a marginal friend: you are not seen for anyone’s expectations.

“You don’t have to be someone’s beck and call because you know you’re not the favorite person,” he says Dr Irene LevineA psychologist, friendship expert and author of Best Friends Forever: surviving a break with your best friend. “It’s nice not to have someone who depends on you. You don’t seem to refuse anyone.”

Huging the era of your marginal friend also gives you the space and time to invest in other areas of your life, says Levine, including new hobbies, self-cura routines or family relationships.

Meg Foster, an Austin’s 22 -year -old theology student in Texas, had his epiphany about three years ago when someone was close to high school “forgot” to invite her to the surprise engagement party of their mutual beasts. (They were both bridesmaids at the wedding … embarrassing.)

The experience gave her the time and the safety of trying new things – ceramic, crochet, cycling, making bread from scratch – which otherwise would not have had. He was also zero fear of being judged for all this. “There is a lot of freedom in anonymity,” he says.

Until you are mistreated, she says perfectly, even necessary, to be a marginal friend, she says Danielle Bayard JacksonRelational health educator and author of Fighting for our Friendsh. But be wary of using marginal friend’s status to retire to yourself, he says. Time alone can be healthy, but too much can make you feel worse.

Becoming aware of the emotional and physical distance from others can help you reflect on what you want and you need from friendships, says Kermayer. Do you spend time in spaces that seem nourishing and significant? What do you feel comfortable to tell others about you? Are you wishing emotional intimacy or shared experiences?

This information can help you diversify your social relationships, says Kermayer, which is a relatively simple way to meet different people who could potentially turn into intimate friends.

Studies suggest that people who have more marginal friends – sociologists call them “weak ties” – Feel happier and more connected of those who have less.

“Very often one of the things I feel is the deep desire and the conviction deeply believed that either we need a best friend or that we need a group of friends. It can be a source of motivation, but it can also be a source of shame and disappointment. The truth is that we can benefit from having every sort of different connections and friendships in our life and that nobody can or satisfy every connection we have,” says Kermayer.

“Finding micro-communities will allow you not only to draw on the specific connection needs you have, but also to the specific experiences you could share,” says Krmayer. For example, support groups can be useful for people who deal with chronic diseases or for the death of a loved one – you can relate to others who really get it without the fear of the judgment, he says.

This means that it is worth the effort (and potential embarrassment) to ask your bartender their weekend plans or finally get to know your neighbor on the freshly baked biscuits. In fact, research proves it Conversations with strangers they tend to be more funny how much people expected.

“These weak ties help us to face a different type of solitude,” says Kermayer. “It may not be of the intimate and relational variety, but it could be the common type of solitude: the feeling as if we were part of a wider community.”

THat said, balance is the key. Finding and promoting deeper and mutual connections is important for your well -being, says Kermayer. These more intimate relationships offer stronger emotional support, satisfy our innate need to feel capable and included and are one of the main sources of ours overall happinessHe suggests the research.

It is easier to say than to do. But when it embraces the vulnerability that approaches others, you will discover that most people are open to it, says Krmayer.

This does not mean that you have to download marginal friendships along the way, Jackson says: “It is about integrating, not to replace”. Someone who is not your best friend can still bring value and joy in your life.

It can be difficult if you realize that a particular bond is no longer mutual. But this must not be the case forever.

“Very often we think about marginal experience as the final point of our friendship and we believe in the wrong idea that it is there that we will stay,” says Kermayer. “But maybe it is really the next step to build the closeness. So, instead of seeing it as the end, can you see it as the beginning?”